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Alex's Sheepicide Trial
Rebirth of Robb's Balls
Dot Com Woman
The Trial of Robb's Balls

Rebirth of Robb's Balls

By Steve Katz
September 29, 2001

Master of Ceremonies -- Steve
Rabbi -- Andy
Priest -- Josh
Muslim Cleric -- Daniel
Vienna Choirboy -- Warren

MC -- Friends, Romans, Countrymen, alcoholics, -- Lend me you ear. We are gathered here today to celebrate that thing called life. We are joined today by the former and soon-to-be Mr. Robert Donald Pratt. As you all know, the former and soon-to-be Mr. Pratt ditched us most heinously for the rafting trip held earlier this year. For committing such an offense, we were forced to hold a trial in which the former and soon-to-be Mr. Pratt's nuts were found guilty of being pointless. As such, they were cast into the fire by the executioner - the topless, and lovely Neary Reth. Did I mention she was topless? Amazingly enough though, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the former and soon-to-be Mr. Pratt has shaken off his coat of shame and joined us on this holy expedition. For such a feat of courage, the Council of the Elders (namely me), have declared today, September 29, 2001, the holy day of the resurrection of Robb's balls. And now, we shall have the resurrection ceremony.

MC -- And now, for the three steps in the resurrection. First, THE REBIRTH!

MC -- Ordinarily, for this type of ceremony, we would have someone do the benediction in Latin. However, since none of us knows Latin, we shall do the benediction in PIG LATIN. It shall be repeated three times. Three shall be the count and the count shall be three.

MC -- Obbray's utnays erway ointlesspay utbay ownay eyrthay ackbay. Obbray's utnays erway ointlesspay utbay ownay eyrthay ackbay. Obbray's utnays erway ointlesspay utbay ownay eyrthay ackbay.

MC -- Our choirboy shall now sing the benediction in Pig Latin. Traditionally, the choirboy is the member of the church with the highest voice, and the most underdeveloped balls. So please come forward Brother Warren.

(Let the record show that the Choirboy chanted the benediction in falsetto)

MC -- I now pronounce Robb's balls reborn.

(Let the record show that the Choirboy strapped on Robb's new nuts consisting of a hotdog and well positioned marshmallows.)

MC -- And now, for the baptism. Normally, a baptism is done by a priest, who holds the newborn very tightly and dips him into the water. He holds him tightly so that they are in the arms of God when they are officially baptized. So, for our ceremony, our Priest must hold Robb's balls tightly as he douses them with beer. In order to do so, I now call forth our good priest Father Josh to perform his duties in this sacred ceremony.

(Let the record show that eagerly Father Josh stepped forward)

MC -- And now, Father Josh, I present you the ceremonial holy rubber glove, with which you shall hold tightly onto Robb's newborn balls. And here is the ceremonial holy beer, which I have been keeping ice cold in the cooler, with which you shall baptize Robb's balls. And now Father, if you will grab Robb's nuts.

(Let the record show that Father Josh gingerly grabbed Robb's nuts)

MC -- Come now, Father Josh, don't be shy. Grab them like you want them and baptize the shit out of them. Oh, excuse me Father

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